Confessions of a Serial Water Bottle Loser

When I was younger, I used to wonder where the term “losing your marbles” (aka losing your wits/mind) came from. As far as I could tell, in order to lose something you had to own it first, and I didn’t possess any marbles, having never understood how to play with them. Which left me in a peculiar dilemma—acquire marbles to have something to lose, or maintain myself at the point everyone else regresses to, or worry about sensible kid things like the unknowability of the universe.

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Over a decade later, however, I’m learning that marbles might be just one of the least severe symptoms.

Friday, I went out with some high school friends to Legacy West, an upscale outlet mall. (You know your city is boring when the tourist destination is just some form of a mall. When I lived in Frisco, our city’s claim to fame was a fight between two teen girls decking it out in the food court, which got filmed and uploaded to Crazy Fightz.) We had dinner at Legacy Hall, a food hall, where a friend and I embarrassed ourselves by repeatedly asking around for water with the giant “WATER HERE” sign two feet behind us. Afterward, we walked around and settled on a bench outside a Shake Shack.

Ten minutes after we’d said our goodbyes and I’d slid into the car, pleasantly surprised at how smoothly our plans had gone, I noticed my purse was lying flat on the seat. I peeked inside. My water bottle was gone.

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For reference. (Also, check out the Instagram for more pics like this.)

I realized the water bottle was probably not worth the gas it’d take to drive back, but some necessary context is that I am a serial water bottle loser. I’ve lost at least five water bottles in the past few semesters, which is really just several weeks because I go through phases during which I remember water is essential to life and other times, well, I still remember and don’t drink.

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Remember their faces.

So this time, instead of recognizing my burgeoning problem and admitting defeat, I decided I would find this water bottle. There were only two places I could’ve left it anyway: Legacy Hall, where we’d dined, and outside Shake Shack. I figured that as I’d gotten a water cup at the Hall, I wouldn’t have needed to take out my water bottle, so I trekked to Shake Shack.

Me: It’s a Swell water bottle. White with blue markings.

Employee, face lighting up: Oh!

Me: Did you find it? I’d have left it less than an hour ago.

Employee: I’ll get my manager.

Manager: No.

I guess he’d just gotten really excited about delegating.

Pitifully, I trekked back to the parking garage. Then I decided, screw the sunk cost fallacy, if I was going to search, I’d do it right. I walked out again and back to Legacy Hall. At 9PM, the Hall was so packed I had to weave through crowds to make it to the table where we’d sat, but I happened to spot the waiter who’d served us.

I asked him if he’d seen my water bottle, and he stared at me with an expression that questioned why I was even asking. I would’ve thought it was obvious. Clearly there aren’t FBI agents discreetly tracking down missing water bottles, unless there are and they’re just extraordinarily good at their jobs.

I walked back to the car again, empty-handed, and wondered if I’d just imagined it all. My heart sank as I imagined the worst. Not a stranger gleefully chugging away at my marked and used $35-but-given-to-me-for-free bottle. Not the bottle rolling into a gutter. No, I imagined the possibility of it sitting on the table at home, right where I might have left it without taking it with me.

Closing the garage, I opened the door, and there it was, in all its glory.

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Don’t you hate it when you gaslight yourself? Or who knows if it’s you.

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Also, I decided my goal is to have this humor blog show up when you search “funny blogs to read when bored and on the toilet.” I will also accept “popular personal blogs to read,” “sarcastic blogs about life,” or “best personal blog sites that waste your time.” Thus, I’m including all of these phrases at the bottom of every post until at least one comes true.

Last post: I Didn’t Expect Jesus Christ Superstar To Be About Jesus

 


10 thoughts on “Confessions of a Serial Water Bottle Loser

  1. Too funny! I’ve done similar things with other objects.

    I’ve also been to Legacy West a couple of times. I had the same issue with their “water station”. I walked around it about 5 times before I finally stopped an employee and asked where the water dispenser was and she literally pointed to the wall right next to us. Well, I’ll be! There it was. I felt like such a doofus! But then I rationalized it away by telling myself that they really should mark it clearer. That big blue “WATER” sign is just not obvious enough.

    Glad you found your bottle without having to pay a ransom to a water bottle cartel. and Happy New Year!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, and sorry, didn’t see this comment in my notifications! What other objects?

      Also, are you from the Dallas area? Definitely agree about the sign. Some of us need more assistance. Looking is hard. Dealing with water bottle cartels is even harder. Happy new year to you too!

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  2. I have to buy new water bottles about every 3 or 4 months because — like a proper Arizonan — I take my water everywhere, even to restaurants where I know they’re going to bring a water glass. As a result, I now have about 7 bottles in various less-than-idea sizes and shapes residing in my “bottle cemetery” (a lower cabinet in my kitchen) since I invariably do find the left-behinds…but only the ones I never really cared for.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I carried around the water bottle pictured in the post in Santiago this break, which was convenient because they charged quite a bit (relatively) for water in restaurants. So we just went the classy route of refusing water in glasses and drank out of my bottle. Also, where do you tend to find your water bottles?

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      1. I find my leave-behind bottles when i traipse back to the restaurant or theatre…usually after I’ve bought a new one. The problem I have is that I have special requirements for a water bottle: 1) slim enough to fit into my bicycle water holder, 2) has a hook that I can use to latch it to my pants as I’m wandering around an outdoor even, 3) insulated and leak-proof enough enough to keep water cool but not so sturdy or heavy that it becomes a chore to haul around, 4) able to be opened with one hand while driving or walking — that is, no complicated hydraulic or 3-stage opening process. Whew!

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  3. This is life. Absolutely. I feel like I am always gaslighting myself….but maybe it’s not me? 🙂

    I adore water bottles, just got a new one for Christmas and my husband told me I had to get rid of one I already had! *GASP* Excuse me?! What happens if I lose one!! (Thanks for helping to make my point…almost)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha ha…that was also one of Paula Poundstone’s recent jokes about why she keeps 5 old VCRs in her closet. She has hundreds of old VCR tapes and needs at least one of them in working order. But what happens when that one fails…and the next…

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