I shouldn’t need to give a reason for writing down a list of things I’m grateful for, but if you must know, it was because last week was Thanksgiving and this week I’m depressed. Being in a funk makes it harder to think about gratitude when all you want to do is lie on the carpet and salt a tub of ice cream with your tears, then realize there’s no reason for that logistical challenge (when you could just eat your feelings at your desk) other than to be dramatic and make yourself miserable, which are, now that you think about them, sufficient reasons after all.
But there turned out to be infinite things to be grateful for—I just hadn’t been able to think of them in the moment. The key is lowering your expectations until you can.
14 Weird Things To Be Grateful For
1. Free samples at Costco.
2. PB&J sandwiches. Raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries: the four fruits that deserve rights. Carrot cake. Crispy pork belly that melts in your mouth.
At this point my list devolved into a page of food items, and I realized maybe I was just hungry. Obviously, I hadn’t actually had the tub of ice cream and my body was profoundly unimpressed.
3. The “dongle” my mom found in my iPhone box, a year later.
A year ago, my mom upgraded me to an iPhone XR as a present. Airpods didn’t come with the phone and the phone has no headphone jack, so I simply went a year without using the audio function on my phone in public. (You might ask, how did you take incoming calls, and the answer is that that is not a problem for me.)
Friend: It’s called a “dongle.”
Me: I will call it “like regular headphones except they have a cable charging thing on the other end” before I succumb to that horrendous name.
Friend (in her head, probably): Ok boomer
4. Cats that like me.
5. Cats that don’t.
6. Free shipping at the direct expense of the environment.
Alternatively, registering the seeming inevitability of everything you enjoy being dampened by horrendous consequences and resolving it with nihilism.
7. Breathing without a sore throat.
This one’s more wishful thinking. My throat’s been so sore I haven’t been able to sleep through the past four nights. Possibly I need a humidifier. Possibly I need another blanket. Possibly I need allergy medication. Or I could also just include how grateful I am that I usually breathe fine without implementing any of those solutions.
8. Rarely getting asked for my opinion in work/class settings, thus not having to formulate one.
9. Clothes that fit.
Wednesday, I hurriedly put on black stockings under a skirt to dress “nice” for an event. As I started walking, I realized the stockings were too small for me, and I spent the next several hours in terror as they descended lower and lower. I wonder if they made it below the hem of the skirt, and if so, whether anyone noticed or just thought my legs were getting shorter and shorter.
10. Being an only child.
Yes, I was lonely. But I also never had to learn to share.
11. Not becoming famous as a child.
I would’ve been a monster. Once I erase all memories of my past self, figure out how to spiralize zucchini, and learn to eat packed meals at proper times as opposed to all at once just because I can’t not eat food that’s in front of me, it’s over for y’all.
12. The transient high after a workout.
They say exercising ameliorates depression, and in the couple of hours post-workout, I believe them. After you work out, you feel euphoric and love what exercise does for you. Then you start getting realistic and remember that no, you hate the concept of moving.
13. Racial profiling but only when it means I don’t get stopped by airport security.
Me: This seems racist
Me: *checks watch* But it’s probably for the best.
14. The feeling of posting blogs, even on the days they’re hard to get out.
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Also, I decided my goal is to have this humor blog show up when you search “funny blogs to read when bored and on the toilet.” I will also accept “popular personal blogs to read,” “sarcastic blogs about life,” or “best personal blog sites that waste your time.” Thus, I’m including all of these phrases at the bottom of every post until at least one comes true.
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