14 Weird Things To Be Grateful For

I shouldn’t need to give a reason for writing down a list of things I’m grateful for, but if you must know, it was because last week was Thanksgiving and this week I’m depressed. Being in a funk makes it harder to think about gratitude when all you want to do is lie on the carpet and salt a tub of ice cream with your tears, then realize there’s no reason for that logistical challenge (when you could just eat your feelings at your desk) other than to be dramatic and make yourself miserable, which are, now that you think about them, sufficient reasons after all.

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Another side effect: being so drunk with indifference you form a giant run-on sentence just because no one can stop you.

But there turned out to be infinite things to be grateful for—I just hadn’t been able to think of them in the moment. The key is lowering your expectations until you can.

14 Weird Things To Be Grateful For

1. Free samples at Costco.

2. PB&J sandwiches. Raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries: the four fruits that deserve rights. Carrot cake. Crispy pork belly that melts in your mouth.

At this point my list devolved into a page of food items, and I realized maybe I was just hungry. Obviously, I hadn’t actually had the tub of ice cream and my body was profoundly unimpressed.

3. The “dongle” my mom found in my iPhone box, a year later.

A year ago, my mom upgraded me to an iPhone XR as a present. Airpods didn’t come with the phone and the phone has no headphone jack, so I simply went a year without using the audio function on my phone in public. (You might ask, how did you take incoming calls, and the answer is that that is not a problem for me.)

Friend: It’s called a “dongle.”

Me: I will call it “like regular headphones except they have a cable charging thing on the other end” before I succumb to that horrendous name.

Friend (in her head, probably): Ok boomer

4. Cats that like me.

5. Cats that don’t.

another side effect: being so drunk with indifference you form a giant run-on sentence just because no one can stop you.
Possibly a reason Cat gets cross with me is I enjoy slicking the fur to the sides of her head so she looks like a drowned rat. It’s one of my simplest pleasures in life.

6. Free shipping at the direct expense of the environment.

Alternatively, registering the seeming inevitability of everything you enjoy being dampened by horrendous consequences and resolving it with nihilism.

7. Breathing without a sore throat.

This one’s more wishful thinking. My throat’s been so sore I haven’t been able to sleep through the past four nights. Possibly I need a humidifier. Possibly I need another blanket. Possibly I need allergy medication. Or I could also just include how grateful I am that I usually breathe fine without implementing any of those solutions.

8. Rarely getting asked for my opinion in work/class settings, thus not having to formulate one.

9. Clothes that fit.

Wednesday, I hurriedly put on black stockings under a skirt to dress “nice” for an event. As I started walking, I realized the stockings were too small for me, and I spent the next several hours in terror as they descended lower and lower. I wonder if they made it below the hem of the skirt, and if so, whether anyone noticed or just thought my legs were getting shorter and shorter.

120719 tights

10. Being an only child.

Yes, I was lonely. But I also never had to learn to share.

11. Not becoming famous as a child.

I would’ve been a monster. Once I erase all memories of my past self, figure out how to spiralize zucchini, and learn to eat packed meals at proper times as opposed to all at once just because I can’t not eat food that’s in front of me, it’s over for y’all.

12. The transient high after a workout.

They say exercising ameliorates depression, and in the couple of hours post-workout, I believe them. After you work out, you feel euphoric and love what exercise does for you. Then you start getting realistic and remember that no, you hate the concept of moving.

13. Racial profiling but only when it means I don’t get stopped by airport security.

Me: This seems racist

Me: *checks watch* But it’s probably for the best.

14. The feeling of posting blogs, even on the days they’re hard to get out.

Please consider following this blog via email and liking its Facebook page, where I post occasional life updates and quality excuses for the lack of said life updates. Oh, and find me on my new Instagram and Twitter, too.

Also, I decided my goal is to have this humor blog show up when you search “funny blogs to read when bored and on the toilet.” I will also accept “popular personal blogs to read,” “sarcastic blogs about life,” or “best personal blog sites that waste your time.” Thus, I’m including all of these phrases at the bottom of every post until at least one comes true.

Last post: What’s Broken Down And Not Going Anywhere?


11 thoughts on “14 Weird Things To Be Grateful For

  1. I’m an only child too! *high five!* I always get excited when I learn that others are lonely children like me. Except I’m not grateful for being an only child. Probably because I never learned how to make friends that actually wanted to stay in my life longer than 7 years.

    Yes, being able to breathe with an sore throat and not feel it’s fiery wrath is something to be grateful for.

    I love free Costco samples too, and miss them so much. Since I have to wear Invisalign I can’t eat whenever I want to anymore. It really makes you appreciate the right to eat as you please.

    Your list is very good. I could go on and on about it, and how much I agree with it. I have one of the more ancient iPhones which has a headphone jack and speakers, so I’m grateful for older technology. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *high five* I loved this comment! Is 7 years your longest friendship, and did it start when you were in school?

      How does Invisalign impact your eating schedule? I don’t know anyone who wears it.

      Thank you for the kind words:)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 7 years seems to the the magic number for friendships. After 7 years, they die off or there’s some kind of falling out. I had a best friend in high school, but that ended after her sister died. She treated me horribly after that and I didn’t see her after high school. We went out separate ways. Then I had another friend who backstabbed, gossiped etc. I was friends with her after high school and throughout university. I knew her from high school and trusted her back then. That friendship ended in a falling out which she took no responsibility for. Considering that my husband and I are approaching 7 years of being together, I can’t help but be a little superstitious.

        Invisalign has to be worn for 22 hours a day. Taking them out and cleaning them can be a pain, so I eat twice a day. Invisalign is basically braces for adults. My mom denies that I ever had a problem, but turns out that my mouth is really messed up (I have bad TMJ) and I need jaw surgery. Goodbye savings. *sigh*

        Thank you for reading! I ramble a lot so I’m impressed if you managed to read the whole thing! 😅

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Sorry to hear that:/ you and your husband will break the cycle and reclaim the number 7–I believe in you!

        Also, how long do you have to wear Invisalign? And no problem, I love reading detailed comments. It means a lot that you’d want to leave your thoughts!

        Like

  2. I hope you’re feeling even a little bit better today! If it helps at all, your blog is something I’m very grateful for- it never fails to make me laugh, and it inspires me to improve my writing and my creative skills! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve never found tights that don’t do that, whether they’re too small, or too big and gather at the ankles. I once tried the ol’ trick of wearing underpants on top of them to keep them up, and the tights caused them to fall down too. In public. It was awesome so I never tried that again. If you find a solution to this problem someday, do share. K thanks, bye

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh did I mention it happened just outside London City Hall, in front of all the big glass buildings, one of which is my workplace. So… if anyone I knew saw, they’ve not said anything.

        Liked by 1 person

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