My mom loves to hate flights, mostly because she doesn’t appreciate the way they make her airsick. So naturally, as a kid, I always took the opportunity to watch movie after movie while she retched in the adjacent seat, incapacitated and unable to stop me.
But I don’t enjoy flights half as much as I used to. Maybe I’m finally growing up. Maybe it’s because a couple years ago I was trying to open a bag of bread and the bread shot out and nailed a baby in the face and that incident kind of ruined flights for me.
Anyway, before I veer too far off topic: I fly places every year (with the exception of last year for incredibly stupid reasons) and have decided to compile a list of helpful observations for the impending flier.
A list of flight observations that should not (at least, as a whole) be misconstrued as real advice.
1. You will forget to pack something. I always forget exactly three** items no matter how far in advance I’ve prepped. That’s why, this year, I glossed over the less important items like toiletries and nail files when packing; I figured purposely not bringing some less important things might help fill that quota of three. Only problem is, now I have really long toenails, so maybe that idea didn’t quite work out so well after all.
2. Rule of thumb: don’t show any skin. Or bring a parka as your carry-on item for your flight. Whatever you do, if you want to preserve your extremities, DO NOT WEAR OPEN TOED SHOES. I thought I was so smart packing extra socks, only I ended up not even using them because I couldn’t muster the strength to reach down and retrieve them. I froze instead.
3. Don’t bring a charger. Harness the static energy from your hair; it’s a renewable resource.
4. Don’t bring expensive food.
If you’re hungry, a mere look at the airplane food should take care of that urge for a couple of hours.
5. Don’t bring any work you want to get done, because it’ll only sit there as an ever-present reminder of what an unproductive failure you are.
6. Bring earphones. They need to be untangled and ready to pull off at short notice because there’s rarely sufficient warning before PA announcements interrupt your movie and shatter your eardrums.
7. MOST IMPORTANTLY, BRING NOSEPLUGS. I was not actually aware of this necessity before this year. Basically, we had seats next to the bathroom and, ten minutes into the flight, someone’s Taco Bell disagreed with him, resulting in a crappy thirteen hours. Literally.
8. If you have the option of going to the bathroom in Japan, go to the bathroom in Japan.
9. Something will go wrong. See below.
Embarrassing Experience of the Week
Me: *walks confidently through security check*
Official: Ma’am, can I check your bag?
Me: Oh, sure!
Official: Is there water in here? You know that’s not allowed, ri—
Me: Of course. No water, just boxes of perishable macarons because I’m stupid.
Official: *unzipping the bag* Are you sure?
Me: Oh, completely. I mean, I had water on the plane but I threw it aw—
Official: *pulls out a bottle of water from my bag*
Me: I’m so sorry. I’ll see myself out.
**this year, the three were: nail file, toiletries, T-shirts. Yes. T-shirts. I have approximately thirty T-shirts I’ve accumulated from various events and I did not bring a single one. I did, however, manage to bring a 72-pack of colored pencils on accident.