the aftermath

It feels incredibly weird writing this entry now, partially because I haven’t written one in over a month (the last one was a pre-written essay) and partially because my cat is currently trying to eat my toe. Maybe it’s because I don’t feed her.

Before I get to what’s been occupying me for the past few weeks, I’d like to address something people (read: one person) brought up regarding my last post. At the bottom of that entry, I wrote something along the lines of “if you have finished reading this and still feel incredibly offended by my misogynistic ‘proposal,’ I advise you to reread the title until you get the joke.”

My dedicated, faithful readers (read: that same one person) said they reread the title multiple times but remained profoundly unenlightened.  So I asked around and, turns out, whoops, no one else got it either.

So rather than patiently wait for some observant reader to happen upon the post years later and point it out—let’s be real, this blog is far too unimportant for that to happen—I decided to just reveal it myself because I couldn’t sleep at night with the knowledge that my efforts would be lost to time, unnoticed and unappreciated. Also because, evidently, I have no shame.

If you take the first letters of “Simple Answer to Inequality, Reasonableness Ensured,” you get S.A.T.I.R.E.

(You would think that, given three paragraphs worth of buildup, I would produce a much more worthwhile and satisfying twist… Psych!

Unfortunately, no.)

Anyway, so what’s been happening recently? Nothing terribly exciting—just a truckload of standardized tests. I can reduce everything in the past two weeks to a 4-point list.

Things I have been doing over the past two weeks

  1. Reading AP prep books (AP tests are basically cumulative finals with a nationwide curve)
  2. Learning never-before-seen information from said prep books and cursing bad decisions including, but not limited to: signing up for the class, not studying earlier, forking over $90+ to take tests that numerous colleges don’t even accept as credit, and just existing in general.
  3. Watching Crash Course Everything
  4. Suppressing memories

You think I’m exaggerating, but even now, I sometimes close my eyes and see the electron transport chain.

Fortunately, AP testing is over. Unfortunately, AP classes are not, which is something I cannot comprehend. The whole point of an AP class is to prepare you to take the corresponding AP test to get you college credit. When the test ends, it is my opinion that the class should, too.

Because do you know what we’re doing for the rest of the school year? Teachers have nothing left to teach, but weeks of classes remain, which can only lead to two things: movies or projects, or, even worse, both.

My distaste for group projects is self-explanatory; I can’t remember the last thing I’ve learned from group projects besides the fact that I detest them. Movies, on the other hand, I would normally be all right with if all of us just accepted them for what they are: a relaxing way to use up class time. But that’s often not what happens; this (the following TRUE scenario) is.

Friday, 2:33 PM

Not only is it Senior Skip Day, but it is also last period on a Friday, so there is a grand total of five people in this mostly empty classroom. Not even the teacher is present.

The substitute declares that the five of us will be watching a “touching movie,” which is normally code for “I’ll play this movie as a pretense of a collective class activity and you all may do whatever you want as long as it’s not too obvious.” After all, the reasoning goes, you can’t force kids to watch a movie, right?

Not according to this sub.

The sub presses play on the movie. Meanwhile, a classmate and I are discussing some math problems to prepare me for my upcoming test.

Sub: *runs over to us* Can you two pay attention to the movie?

Friend: We’re working on some math.

I look at the screen. The opening credits and music have just begun, and there is a boy running across a field.

Me: Of course! We’re just finishing up.

Friend: Yeah, we’ll watch it later.

Sub: No, you’ll watch it now.

Me: *exchanges glance with Friend* But the movie hasn’t started yet—

Sub: Oh, but this is vital to the character and plot development.

I glance at the screen again. The boy is still running across a field.

The sub continues down the aisle to relay the same message to the two guys in the back and returns to the front. She proceeds to make comments like “did you catch that?” and “did you notice how they noticed how there’s something wrong with the kid?” and “this shows how they love each other” and “you’ll love this movie” every five minutes.

I am both in awe of this substitute’s sheer dedication and also of how we can never seem to catch a break.

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